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December 15- The Hardest Part of Your Job (and How You Deal With It)
Okay, it’s the Christmas season but even so this post is going to get deep. You have been warned! No pictures this time because I feel the information is too important to add gaudy (albeit fun) giphys.
My job is being a housewife. Many would say that isn’t a job or some may say it is a very difficult job. No matter which group of people you are in, I can say that my job has been difficult the last few years but not because of my wonderful hubby, but because of me.
I am going to college for Behavioral Science. Prior to college I was concerned with how I viewed the world and more importantly, myself. I have not had a job the last ten years, for various reasons, mostly due to having one vehicle and living in rural towns. This along with how I already felt about myself gave me a slanted view of the world. My father-in-law (and I am pretty sure most of my in-laws, sorry if you are reading this but it’s true) do not SEEM to have great feelings towards me. I know it stems mostly from not having a job and being a very eclectic person. Before I could figure out how they felt towards me, I had to figure out why I hated myself.
Insert a book on mothers and how to deal with them. I love my mom and we have a fabulous relationship today but she was a tough mother. She also is narcissistic. The world has to revolve around her. Again, it’s harsh but true, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I picked up a book on narcissistic mothers and this led to a spiral of another kind. I didn’t go a day without crying because I could not understand why my mother didn’t love me. Why I didn’t love me. How could my husband or his family, or the rest of my family love me?
There is also some abuse in my past that I never tried to work through. I have had some babysitters that got a bit too friendly, if you know what I mean. How can a woman feel good about herself when there is so much negativity surrounding her?
Needless to say, I got to work. I put my big girl panties on and decided that I was going to push through whatever came at me. Some days this is much harder than it seems and for a year I even got on some anxiety/depression pills. I was really close to wanting to commit suicide and I knew I was on the precipice. My poor husband wanted to help but had no idea how so I knew I had to do it myself.
Biofeedback, lots of books, learning how to retrain my thinking, and more self-help books later and I feel like I’m beginning to become myself. Recently my father-in-law threatened to kill me and my husband after we got into a discussion about bills and I worked very hard to talk with him about the subject instead of making him feel small. But I also refuse and I do mean REFUSE to allow him, or anyone else for that matter, make me feel small either. Screw that!
I may be eclectic, I may enjoy wearing black, damn it I even enjoy horror movies and things that go bump in the night but that is who I am. Without my father-in-law threatening me and refusing to acknowledge that I am good for his son, I realized that I would not have finally accepted myself. He will NEVER accept me for who I am, and you know what? That is ok. Ten years ago it would have made me go slit my wrists, seriously, but today? Bring it on. Tell me you don’t like me or who I choose to be. It’s ok because I finally like myself!
So, that’s my job and the hardest part of my job is learning how to accept myself for who I am. Life is hard, why be hard on ourselves?
How do you deal with what life throws at you?